So I had a shitty three days. I had no energy, nothing seemed to even happen, and I was a complete slug until I managed to find something engaging or a good conversation happened. What was technically last night was shaping up to be the same, but I had a conversation (mostly one-sided, my fault as usual) with Allysha in which I let out a lot of the demons that have been flapping around in my head these past few days. I have a lot of concerns about how moving to Tacoma and starting college will change the landscape of my world. I have some considerable anxiety about building myself a new community of friends and teachers and advisers in a new city and school while maintaining the strongest possible connections with my existing group of friends, teachers, advisers, role models, and family members who have been with me through so much and without whom I am entirely lost. I know these concerns and anxieties are perfectly normal, though I may be a little bit more dramatic about it than is strictly necessary, but I still have to endure them and cry 300% more often than typical for me and figure out ways to deal with them. Tonight, Allysha has been instrumental in helping me with that and I'm newly grateful for the amazing human beings that have been gracious enough to embrace me wholeheartedly. I hope that they feel like I'm giving them their dues. I hope that I have, by being present in their lives, had some positive impact. After my conversation with Allysha, I found Jack Coleman's blog and read back through the posts and uncovered some absolute gems. As much as I love Heroes as the show itself, I am completely enraptured with the fantastic cast and crew members I have gained knowledge of. They are some of the funniest, most charming, wise, talented folks in the business and I hope one day I will be fortunate enough to work somewhere as demanding and rewarding as that set. I need to get in on the film/tv industry. For reals. Anyway, I wanted to give a little shoutout to the universe. Hi! I'm still down here and now, doing quite wonderfully. :) Thanks for being there and being serendipitous! Also: Humanity, you kill me. Really, you're a knockout. You're the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, the toast of the town, the light of my life. Life is beautiful, ladies and gentlemen.



To paraphrase the words of Oskar Schell: My heavy boots are now extremely light & I feel like one hundred dollars. :D



p.s. I'd also like to thank the year 1977 for producing so many exemplary gentlemen. That is all.

Current Mood: transcendent
Current Music: Simon & Garfunkel

Well, now.
So very much has happened since April 20th.
I'm not going to explain it all, that's in my memory and my handwritten journal and the memories of my friends and family.
But,
I have been dying to write today, I just couldn't find inspiration or pick a topic.

So I'm going to take a page from an old friend's book and just close my eyes and write.

I feel kind of odd lately, like facebook and myspace and twitter and my level of trust in my friends increasing so much over the last 5 years that in some ways, I feel like I've exposed myself too much. At least one person knows each of my "secrets", at least the kinds of things that are simple enough to share but revealing enough to be far less than public knowledge. I keep the hard-to-explain ones to myself. I keep my secret desires and things mostly hidden. But I've been talking a lot lately about my new... not obsessions, per se, but the creative endeavors that have been captivating my attention. It feels a lot more awkward and somewhat embarrassing that I'm the only one who's really into these things and yet, I'm excited and they're willing to listen, so I go ahead and blab about them. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, it just seems silly that the things I'm most enraptured by at the moment have all come from the circles surrounding one particular person. A person who I greatly admire and respect and am hopelessly eager to learn more from. A person who, I hope, will continue to open doors for me and inspire my cloudy head to dream again. So I read the words they have read, I search for their own words, I watch them create, I muse about their life and thoughts and draw those parallel lines. I'm really trying to keep it to myself though. I don't want to seem foolish or like those other fans who just drool and make inane comments. I'm not looking for gossip or undue access to a private life, I just wish for a window into that brain so that I can find surprising things that will make me reconsider myself and find new details, new clues to my current identity. My "role models" are often more like mirrors than people I aspire to be like in terms of career choices etc. I just see myself more clearly when I'm comparing myself to abstractly similar individuals who I feel are successful. What can I see in them that can help me improve myself, enjoy the fruits of my own wildest dreams? I'm not obsessed. I'm just jonesing for the feeling of really being aware of myself, really feeling like I'm alive and vibrant and that I can look in a mirror and not doubletake, not stare at that face and search for recognition. Am I always looking for twins because I'm a gemini? Or is there something deeper than that? Something tied to loss and loneliness and longing? Going back through time via nostalgia, I have discovered surprising things about my inherent character. Things that were exacerbated by traumatic events but not, as I had previously imagined, caused by them. And if I never find that completeness I crave, something that fills the twin-sized hole in my heart/head/soul, will I have a personality schism? Trying to fill that gap through any means, will I become schizoid? Is there anyone out there who understands my meaning here? I am so alone in this body, so lost in this mind. Who am I? What is my place in this world? What do I want? If trying to make up for these deficiencies through any means is bad, then I apologize. I'm just trying to correct an imbalance, just trying to understand why I sometimes catch a stranger in my reflection, why I am so at odds with myself sometimes. 

Current Mood: Fractured

 and things 


                                    f
                                            
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                                                                l



                                                                          l



                                                                                                                                  a                   p                  a                  r              t.

Current Mood: fail

FRUSTRATED with
my life
my education
miscommunication
LACK of communication
feeling isolated
feeling undefined


I'm sick of all of this.
I just want to stop failing.
I just want to talk to someone.

However,
I am paranoid that this gentleman finds me a terribly nosy bore or otherwise completely distasteful.
I do not wish to trouble him with my presence and questions, but I want to journey inside his thoughts.
If I had my mind and M____'s body, I'd be in business.
I got up on the wrong side of the gene pool today.


and may I add: deep conversations are frequently most enjoyable when held with attractive persons, of the variety which I am not.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Poster of a Girl - Metric

I know exactly who I am right now.
I just don't know who I am to other people
people who I used to count on to tell me that.


I had good times in D.C.

I'm feeling kind of isolated now, though.


I am entirely taken with the idea of this one particular person, but I'm going to be okay.
I've been inspired to learn again. Learn more. Learn new things. Make my own ideas.
So, I'll be ok.


I'll still listen even though I kind of want to talk instead.
I'm going to work it out anyway.

So, why should I insist on being heard,
when by being heard,
I am possibly pushing myself into that mental corner
of not being understood correctly,
of being made to feel foolish and naieve and girlish?

Because being heard can heal.
Because sometimes faith in the sympathetic ear is rewarded.
Because that's how this is apparently supposed to work.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I do not know right now.




I'd just like to listen to grand ideas and acoustic guitar and lay in bed with the golden lights shining and think about flying over the city at night and eat rose ice cream and have someone see to my depths and read in between these lines I draw/write/paint/construct and tell me what's in there. I'm not even talking about being in love, necessarily. Just someone who can get past what they assume they know and really see me. I feel invisible, it's been too long. No one seems willing to look. No one seems willing to talk.



I ask for a lot of very simple things. 



I'm sorry.

Current Mood: Mercurial

 So maybe it's not such a big deal or whatever, but I need to put it out there:

I'm depressed.

Maybe not the whole clinically depressed thing with feelings of uselessness and suicide and all of that,

but there's definitely something going on.

What brought this on:

1. The college situation. Maybe that kind if ties into feelings of uselessness, but I don't consciously feel useless. I do feel like my actual application process/search/whatever was basically a failure. I could have done WAY better.

2. Senior year turned out to be a hell of a bigger balancing act than I realized. I'm not finding the success I wanted, and now I lack some of the motivation I used to have (see no. 1) so it's even harder to get ahead where I'm behind


3. Time seems to slip on by and no matter what I do with it, it doesn't seem to contribute to my lasting happiness.

4. There are fewer and fewer times when I am certain that I'm making someone happier just by being there and putting in some effort, and vice versa. Whatever happened to friendship?

5. Just about everyone else around me seems depressed.

6. The times, the weather. It's so freaking bleak all of the time. I'm not usually one to advocate for sunshine, but I think we could use a break right now. Seriously.

7. My life is just...blah. There's no excitement. Every day is essentially the same. And when I try to get out and do things, something usually seems to get botched, or I have a fantastic time and then it ends abruptly and it kills the whole vibe and I'm back to square one.

8. I'm really not where I wanted to be at this point. I'm further along than I thought I would be in some aspects, but a lot of things are tragically mediocre. 

It's not like there's any one giant thing that's wrong, it's little things that get under my skin and just drain all my energy. It's like everywhere I go, some little thing isn't quite right. I can't always put my finger on it, but a lot of the time when I do it's not even anything I can control, like someone isn't having a good day and nothing we can do will cheer them up, so we all walk on eggshells a little bit and no one is too happy and the atmosphere is just different and sad and lethargic. It's like that almost every. single. day. Ok, if that only happens at home, that's fine. If it only happens at school, also fine. But does it have to happen EVERYWHERE I GO? I can't live like this and be happy, fulfilled, confident, excited. I'm dying for those hours-long conversations I used to have essentially every day. I long for the stories we'd tell to get by, and the way they made reality that much more exciting and enjoyable. I miss the salad days so badly, I miss the honeymoon period of the "study group" just the same. Going to dad's house used to be revitalizing and now it's just unnerving. Why does everything have to change? Why can't we all just adapt and gain our equilibrium again and find happiness? 

What the hell is wrong with us all?!
I'm baffled.
Some people are still plenty happy.
But my life is just one big energy/joy/time suck lately.
:(

As delusional as I was at times, there are places in my past when I was extraordinarily happy. When I look back, and see what was different, it's never really me, it's who I'm with. It's where I am. There's this theory that everything about our personality has a source somewhere. I don't agree with that 100%, because it doesn't explain anomalies like 3 year olds from relatively normal families who turn out to be psychopaths by the time they're 5, but it is something that I've noticed. Things like my musical taste, love of reading, trust issues, body image are all very much a product of my environment. And really, I think my personality is too. It's always had similar threads, but which things come to the forefront are a direct result of who I'm around or where I'm at. So what can I do to change who and how I am right now? If I'm stuck at home almost always with no one to bail me out and no practical means for transporting myself somewhere else, how can I change my scenery? If I love the people I surround myself with, despite the fact that many of them have been unintentionally bringing me down (not that I'm innocent of that), how can I find meaningful new relationships to renew my social life? We all seem to be stuck in the same rut. 

lad;faj;fadlfhdlfa


andddd it sucks the big one.



p.s. This is the day Life on the Murder Scene dropped. I've always remembered that date, for some reason.

Tags: depression, state of the union
Current Mood: apathetic

So I've been using twitter for a month or two now and I was really starting to like it a bunch and then today, my sister joined. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it was just the last place on the internet that I really used that I didn't have to censor myself at all. Yeah, sure I shouldn't have to "censor myself" and my family members don't really mind if I swear, I just don't like cursing/saying certain things in front of them as a point of respect. They don't mind it, per se, at least not that much, but I just don't do it because I know they don't really like it and it just feels weird and out of context, not the way it does in front of my friends. I don't do it to be cool or whatever, I just do it to express myself and because it feels good. And also I liked having something that I could just post to it whenever I was thinking something I couldn't really tell anyone because it would be weird or be taken wrongly or whatever. Now, I can't do that all the time because I can't swear and I can't say certain things because they're going to be heard by people where it might cause some drama. I don't think there's much harm in thinking something and not saying it to people it would hurt as long as you're not backstabbing them etc. So I guess now it's like everywhere else on the internet where I don't say certain things because I don't want it taken out of context, causing drama, or being misconstrued and casting me in a light that isn't true. I remember back in the day when I didn't have any of my relatives added on myspace. I said what I wanted, posted what I wanted, and that was that. It was a better reflection on myself. And now I have tons of people on there, relatives, friends, acquaintances, and it's just not the same. I like that it's easier to keep in touch and share certain things with them, but I don't like feeling I have to limit what I put out there. True, I'm becoming an adult blahblahblah and I have to exercise certain restraint anyway, but come on. I need to express myself somewhere. And maybe it seems dumb that I don't just say to hell with it and act however I want, but I'm a role model to certain people and other people hold me to a standard that isn't a bad reflection on who I actually am, it's just different in some ways from the way I act when I'm among my friends and other young and openminded folk. I'm thinking of maybe starting a blogspot or something but I don't know how much I'd use it since I'm not on the internet so much anymore, what with mom working at home and me not having wireless except for at my dad's. Mom said we're going to be getting a new router, but that could be any time from now until the end of school. Whatever, my point is, I like having the internet as an extention of my interaction with people here and as a means of communicating with my friends from afar, and I hate censoring myself but I also hate disrespecting people. So what am I supposed to do? I don't want to waste the energy to keep up separate accounts. Argh.

Tags: censorship
Current Mood: frustrated

 I've been thinking about identity lately and how I seem to have sort of shuffled mine off into the corner lately and all of a sudden, today I had a kind of epiphany/identity crisis/weird thing and I'm trying to figure out what it all means to me now. 

1. Relationships
I am defined by the relationships I have with people. I am very willing to give my time to my good friends, I take my family for granted a little bit too much but I do love them and I love spending time with them when I feel like doing it (ha :/) and we're doing better now than we were a few years ago, so yay for progress! I have a long history of bad friendships, or at least friendships that ended badly, so I'm very grateful to the wonderful people I'm friends with now. 

2. Appearance
Am I a blonde or a redhead? I've decided that I'm done with the business of hair dye until further notice. Although I love red hair, I'm sick of this roots and fading and not-the-right-color and does this look unnatural? and the way it looks in the light I'm usually in, and I just want to have my real-ass genuine "ash" blonde color and that's the end of that. :] Weight is a horrible topic and it is what it is and I know how I feel about it and I'm not going to talk about it on the internet. I will summarize, though, that I like my body type, I just don't like the specific measurements I'm at now and I want to get to a healthy place with this. Fashion is what it is as well. I can't accomplish what I want with fashion until I have a better canvas to work with. And to hell with all that "dress at any size" thing because I do try to do my own thing, but I'm not going to spend a ton of (my mom's) money on clothes that I'm hoping not to fit into after a certain period of time. Stupid idea. Trust me, my mindset is all nice and dandy about all of this. Moving on. I'm a bit iffy on the subject of more piercings and first tattoos. It's more of coming up with a solution that I will find meaningful/beautiful/easily changeable if I decide I hate it later on, and not interfering with my parent's/other people's opinions of me and/or my ablility to find work. I've pretty much accepted the way I see myself as a work in progress that I can hopefully identify with in full soon, but as for how other people see me, I can't really help that at all. 

3. Inner Self
This is the tough part. I don't have any particular passions or hobbies that I WANT TO DO EVERY DAY. Right now, I listen to music, watch movies, play a lot of solitaire/spider solitaire, go to school, eat, sleep, learn, etc. It's a sad existence. I like college, bilingualism, fashion, post secret, 50 things, stumble upon, MCR's new blogging thing, youtube, netflix, steampunk, and I love how I can't even finish this list. I know things about myself, but I don't really know anymore what defines me. Well I should probably continue this, but I'm getting ready to head off to my room so I think I'll leave it at that. idk.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Donora